Expectations are the silent killer of your relationships
Wanting and expecting someone to meet all of our needs is very hard. No one can ever do it… and if they try… it may feel as if they just aren’t doing it right.
As I read this message I could feel the emotion and sadness that resonated from every word. I know the despair is real.
So I say this with absolute love and compassion.
Wanting another human being to meet our needs so we don’t get upset is the road to a very disastrous despairing situation.
All relationships need give & take. Some of our needs will get met and some won’t.
Is it fair to assume that my partner should be focused on meeting all my expectations?
As a relationship coach I get asked this question all the time?
Dear Sophie,
I really need some advice.
I’m really upset with my husband. He doesn’t meet any of my needs? I keep expecting him to do better and it winds me up when he doesn’t?
I’m so unhappy help? Want shall I do?
Lost.
Society and culture has set up us for failure. They’ve led us to believe that a man’s role in our life is to make us happy followed by a lifetime of servitude …where our happiness should be the ultimate goal for HIM.
Just like you, I experienced the same pain. I genuinely was so unaware of how I was placing a burden on the shoulders of my husband. As a result of not having my needs met in a particular way … I found myself becoming despondent and my mood was affected resulting on a bad energetic state that took over our relationship.
These painful moments led to immense suffering which became the catalyst to internal and external growth… the truth was I wanted peace, love and connection more than anything and I simply didn’t know how to go about achieving it.
I was in expectation mode and out of relational mode.
I thought a relationship was a set of expectations… some high, some low … where the man in the relationship, would provide everything that I needed, wanted and desired.. even at the detriment to himself…
That was his job?, Right!!! Wrong!
It didn’t do anything except increased my unhappiness and ended in arguments.
The resentment and bitterness seeped into the relationship and we were out of sync with ourselves and each other…
Together we sat in an unhealthy volcanic soup of emotional chaos bubbling and simmering away… burning each other with the drama of the heat… the root of the issue was misaligned expectations and as a result important needs and desires were left unmet.
Does this resonate with you?
The script flipped when I started to recognise that in order for us to be happy I needed to take that sack of expectations off his back and figure out how I could meet my own needs and which ones we could meet together.
I was raised to fail as we all were.
As I child I learned my blueprint of relationships from my parents, my culture, community, society and good old television … my expectations deeply programmed into me and is when I got Ito my marriage I pulled out my blueprint and ran the software.
I learned that a woman must have:
High expectations
The man must meet and provide for ( back in those days women didn’t work and they were dependant on their man to provide food, shelter, clothing, permission and
I learned that it was hard for a woman to simply meet her own needs.
I had idealistic dream vision for my life created by what I didn’t want (a life of servitude and duty) followed by a diet of unhealthy romantic love (Disney, Bollywood) …
Doing the inner work and building my own self esteem… tapping into my own inherent value I was able to start changing the story.
I could see him and accept him as my man without burdening him with my idealistic romantic notions of love.
This allowed him to breathe.
He lit up and wanted to meet my needs.
Crazy!!! Right!!!
Exercise
Journalling is a therapeutic and revolutionary experience and it’s been the cornerstone grounding me and working through my thoughts, my expectations and my behaviours.
I recommend this to all my clients and I would love for you try journalling too.
Write down all that you expect from him. Sometimes we genuinely don’t realise what they are. So keep the book close and make notes as soon as a thought hits you.
Next answer the question. Where does this expectation come from? What does it mean?
How is this affecting to your life and happiness?
If not, its time to release the expectation.
At the end of the journalling experience… then do the 555 breathing method - Breathe in deeply in for 5 counts and hold for 5 counts THEN slowly exhale for 5 counts, HOLD for 5 counts.
If you’re ready to let go of this expectation… burn the page.
The truth is that expecting another human being to fill you up and meet all your needs is opening the door to a life of resentment. They can never fill that bucket for you… you need to participate and take responsibility for your own desires and dreams…
To stop the suffering…check your expectations… revisit and rewrite them on the daily and decide if this expectation is worth keeping or letting go.